Friday Funny . . . A Lesson in Language

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. This means your facts may be right but you are still wrong.   
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It! 
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 
(6) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’.. That will bring on a ‘whatever’). 
(8) Whatever : Is a woman’s way of saying. Go to Hell… 
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it :Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ (For the woman’s response refer to # 3). 
 
   

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

*¬†Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true

Thanks Grumps!ūüėČ

Under the Whispering Door by T.J. Klune

EXCERPT: His funeral was sparsely attended. Wallace wasn’t pleased. He couldn’t even be quite sure how he’d gotten here. One moment, he’d been staring down at his body, and then he’d blinked, and somehow, found himself in front of a church, the doors open, bells ringing. It certainly hadn’t helped when he saw the prominent sign sitting out front. A CELEBRATION OF THE LIFE OF WALLACE PRICE it read. He didn’t like that sign, if he was being honest with himself. No, he didn’t like it one bit. Perhaps someone inside could tell him what the hell was going on.

ABOUT ‘UNDER THE WHISPERING DOOR’: When a reaper comes to collect Wallace Price from his own funeral, Wallace suspects he really might be dead.

Instead of leading him directly to the afterlife, the reaper takes him to a small village. On the outskirts, off the path through the woods, tucked between mountains, is a particular tea shop, run by a man named Hugo. Hugo is the tea shop’s owner to locals and the ferryman to souls who need to cross over.

But Wallace isn’t ready to abandon the life he barely lived. With Hugo’s help he finally starts to learn about all the things he missed in life.

When the Manager, a curious and powerful being, arrives at the tea shop and gives Wallace one week to cross over, Wallace sets about living a lifetime in seven days.

MY THOUGHTS: Under the Whispering Door is an utterly amazing, beautiful and inspiring story. I finished with a great sense of peace and awe.

Wallace was not a nice person. This is evident at his funeral. He lacked empathy, had no friends. There is a woman at his funeral he doesn’t recognize, not difficult since there are only six people there. She is different from the others – she can see him. Here starts Wallace’s journey.

I am so glad I got to go on that journey with him. It was a wondrous experience. This is a magical and emotionally powerful read. I cried for Wallace, for Cameron, for Nancy. I laughed at Mei’s ascerbic tongue, at Nelson’s antics.

Under the Whispering Door is a book that will stay with me a long time, and one that I am going to purchase a hard copy of.

If you haven’t read this yet, please do. It’s a beautiful experience.

‚≠ź‚≠ź‚≠ź‚≠ź‚≠ź

#UndertheWhisperingDoor #NetGalley

#fivestarread #fantasy #humour #paranormal #romance

I: @tjklunebooks @macmillanusa

T: @ tjklune @MacmillanUSA

THE AUTHOR: TJ KLUNE is a Lambda Literary Award-winning author (Into This River I Drown) and an ex-claims examiner for an insurance company. His novels include The House in the Cerulean Sea and The Extraordinaries. Being queer himself, TJ believes it’s important‚ÄĒnow more than ever‚ÄĒto have accurate, positive, queer representation in stories.

DISCLOSURE: Thank you, thank you, thank you to Macmillan-Tor/Forge for providing a digital ARC of Under the Whispering Door by T.J. Klune. All opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own personal opinions.

For an explanation of my rating system please refer to my Goodreads.com profile page or the about page on sandysbookaday.wordpress.com

This review is also published on Twitter, Amazon, Instagram and Goodreads.com

Friday Funny . . .

THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.  On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.  When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited the uneaten shrimps‚Äô heads dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.  He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.  Then, slowly, the house began to smell.  They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.  Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.¬† Repairmen refused to work in the house.¬† The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move. But a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.¬† Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.  She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house back.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.¬† He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home … and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU…?

Have a great weekend!

The Man Who Died Twice by Richard Osman (The Thursday Murder Club #2)

EXCERPT: The nights are beginning to draw in a little, and the sun is sinking behind the trees on top of the hill as Elizabeth reaches Ruskin Court and rings the bell for number 14. Here goes nothing. There is a brief wait and she is buzzed up.

There are lifts in all the buildings, but Elizabeth will use the stairs while she still can. Stairs are good for hip and knee flexibility. Also it is very easy to kill someone in a lift when the doors open. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and a ping to announce that you’re about to appear. Not that she’s worried about being killed, it doesn’t feel to her like that’s what’s happening here, but it’s always important to remember best practice. Elizabeth has never killed anyone in a lift. She once saw someone pushed down an empty lift shaft in Essen, but that was different.

She turns left at the top of the stairs, transfers the flowers to her left hand and knocks on the door of number 14. Who will answer the door? What is the story here? Should she be worried?

The door opens, and she sees a very familiar face.

It’s not Marcus Carmichael, how could it have been? But it is certainly someone who knew the name Marcus Carmichael. And who knew it would get her attention.

And it turns out that, yes, she should be worried.

ABOUT ‘THE MAN WHO DIED TWICE’: It’s the following Thursday.

Elizabeth has received a letter from an old colleague, a man with whom she has a long history. He’s made a big mistake, and he needs her help. His story involves stolen diamonds, a violent mobster, and a very real threat to his life.

As bodies start piling up, Elizabeth enlists Joyce, Ibrahim and Ron in the hunt for a ruthless murderer. And if they find the diamonds too? Well, wouldn’t that be a bonus?

But this time they are up against an enemy who wouldn’t bat an eyelid at knocking off four septuagenarians. Can The Thursday Murder Club find the killer (and the diamonds) before the killer finds them?

MY THOUGHTS: I just loved The Thursday Murder Club, but approached The Man Who Died Twice (don’t you just love that title!) with just a modicum of apprehension. Would the author fall victim to the second book syndrome? He didn’t. Osman hasn’t put one word wrong.

I love these characters, and the fact that we learn a lot more about them in the course of the book. Am I allowed to admit that as I was reading I was hearing Penelope Keith’s voice as Elizabeth?

This disparate club of characters will delight, charm and amuse. There were times I felt afraid for them, times when they amazed me. Never are they predictable.

I am not going to waste any more time talking about this book, other than to say ‘Read it!’ This is the book we all need.

‚≠ź‚≠ź‚≠ź‚≠ź‚≠ź

#TheManWhoDiedTwice #NetGalley

I: @misterosman @penguinrandomhouse

T: @richardosman @PenguinUKBooks

#fivestarread #contemporaryfiction #crime #detectivefiction #humour #murdermystery #mystery #thriller

THE AUTHOR: Richard Thomas Osman is an English comedian, producer, television presenter, writer, and the creator and co-presenter of the BBC One television quiz show Pointless.

DISCLOSURE: Thank you to Penguin General UK via Netgalley for providing a digital ARC of The Man Who Died Twice by Richard Osman for review. All opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own personal opinions.

For an explanation of my rating system please refer to my Goodreads.com profile page or the about page on sandysbookaday.wordpress.com

This review is also published on Twitter, Amazon, Instagram and Goodreads.com

Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village by Maureen Johnson and illustrated by Jay Cooper

EXCERPT: CRICKET
What a lovely English pastime. A sport where the players wear nice white sweaters, the matches go on for five days, and everyone drinks large quantities of tea and gin. The terminology is so quaint! Wickets, pudding, bunny, teapot, lollipop . . . Just a lovely, civilised time, with players running around a squishy green field with paddle-shaped bats, whacking a rock-hard ball, thinking about how much they resent their teammates. The highest trophy in the cricketing world is literally an urn full of ashes, so don’t say you haven’t been warned.

ABOUT ‘YOUR GUIDE TO NOT GETTING MURDERED IN A QUAINT ENGLISH VILLAGE’: In the England of murder mysteries and TV detectives, no destination is deadlier than a quaint country village, and you never know you’re in a murder village until it’s too late. No attraction or local character is safe–whether in the pub for a pint, or on the manicured grounds of the local estate for a shooting party, bodies can turn up anywhere! Danger lurks around every cobblestone corner. If you are foolish enough to make the trip, at least be prepared.

Brought to life with dozens of Gorey-esque drawings by illustrator Jay Cooper and peppered with allusions to classic crime series and unmistakably British murder lore, Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village gives you the tools you need to avoid the same fate, should you find yourself in a suspiciously cozy English village (or simply dream of going). Good luck, and whatever you do, avoid the vicar.

MY THOUGHTS: A mostly amusing and clever, tongue-in-cheek read for fans of classic English murder mystery series such as Miss Marple and Midsomer Murders, which I devoured along with my breakfast this morning.

I did think the section on the butler could have used a bit more work. After all, isn’t it always the butler?

And a note of warning – don’t do the quizzes! I only got one answer right, and it still killed me.

Not to be taken seriously, unless, of course, you are planning on visiting a quaint English Village.

I wonder if a body has ever been concealed in the thatch of one of those lovely chocolate-box cottages?

‚≠ź‚≠ź‚≠ź.5

#YourGuidetoNotGettingMurderedinaQuaintEnglishVillage #NetGalley

I: @maureenjohnsonbooks @clarksonpotter @tenspeedpress

T: @maureenjohnson @TenSpeedPress

#humour #practicalguide #crime

THE AUTHOR: Maureen Johnson is the #1 New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of several YA novels, including 13 Little Blue Envelopes, Suite Scarlett, The Name of the Star, and Truly Devious. She has also done collaborative works, such as Let It Snow with John Green and Lauren Myracle (now on Netflix), and several works in the Shadowhunter universe with Cassandra Clare. Her work has appeared in publications such as The New York Times, Buzzfeed, and The Guardian, and she has also served as a scriptwriter for EA Games. She has an MFA in Writing from Columbia University and lives in New York City.

DISCLOSURE: Thank you to Clarkson Potter/Ten Speed Press via Netgalley for providing a digital ARC of Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village by Maureen Johnson and illustrated by Jay Cooper for review. All opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own personal opinions.

For an explanation of my rating system please refer to my Goodreads.com profile page or the about page on sandysbookaday.wordpress.com

This review is also published on Twitter, Amazon, Instagram and Goodreads.com

Friday Funnies . . . for us oldies, along with a bit of nostalgia

But first, a little sage advice –

I grew up in the 60s, and if we even looked like we were getting a cold, Mum would rub Vicks on our chests. Still love the smell.

and we didn’t have mathematics . . . it was just called arithmetic.

We didn’t have mobile phones, so our parents never knew where we were until it was time for dinner. Then, if we weren’t home, they would just go outside and yell. I would go out riding my horse and not come home until dark. When I was eight, I would ride my bike over the other side of town, crossing the highway, and mow my grandmother’s lawns. By the time I was ten, I could make dinner for the family, and bake cookies and cakes.

What do you remember about your childhood that most children now miss out on?

Friday funny . . .

With thanks, as always, to my good friend Grumps.

Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

WALKING THE DOG  

 A WOMAN was flying from  Melbourne to Brisbane ..

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.  

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was Blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the Pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in  Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’

The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.’

Picture this: 

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot¬†walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was evenūüē∂wearing sunglasses.¬†
People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!


True story… Have a great day and remember…

 
¬†…THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR‚ÄľÔłŹ¬†
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!